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Poetry is my Specialty


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4 replies to this topic

#1
ultisage3

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I hopped onto the window.
The night was a black widow.
Scratching and silently sitting,
my human came to meet my needs.
It opened the window swiftly,
and I dashed the same to the reeds.
There I met young Bethany;
We began our midnight stroll.

Silently Slinking down the warm,still sidewalk,
we stopped to sniff an old cinderblock.
A sparrow slid out and soared away from us;
We snickered and watched as it made such a fuss.
We continued our walk,
and we began to talk.
"How was your day?"
The silly black cat said.
"It was okay,"
she replied as she started to dart ahead.

We were near the lake,
or at least it seemed so,
When a single snowflake
set her eyes aglow.
We ran and pounced,
pounced and ran
and all the world seemed to announce
that a time of great joy had began.

We soon got cold and tired from our joy;
our paws soon starting to feel like a plastic play-toy.
Twining our tails, saying good-bye,
and asking the world why,
We started back home
and savored our time on our own

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Outside of his great big house,
I waited for Alexander to be released
My eyes shone like chrome
when I heard his voice not cease.
The window opened in haste,
and he jumped out the same.
My throat felt filled with paste;
I couldn't even exclaim his name.
He greeted me warmly and smiled;
I stared back happy and wild.

We started our walk
and soon came across a cinder block.
We poked around and sniffed it;
we were there for quite a bit.
Suddenly, a sparrow soared out
and flew away with the nimbleness of a trout.
I silently laughed and started to purr;
he looked at me quickly and complimented my fur.
Our eyes met and everything fell still;
we continued our walk listening to the sparrow's trill.

We were nearly to the lake;
the air smelled sweet as cake.
A snowflake fell on my nose,
and I jumped up in surprise.
We ran around; feet soon froze.
Soon, we had to say our good-byes
and started to scamper away.
I truly enjoyed this winter's day.

Edited by ultisage3, 04 November 2012 - 11:28 AM.

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#2
ultisage3

ultisage3

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No one cares about my lovey-dovey kitty poems? Fine, I see how you guys are. </3
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#3
Aergia

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Guess not.

Honestly, you are just asking for attention with that second post. :P



As for the poems, I guess they seem well written. Personally, though, I have to say that they didn't really move me - didn't make me feel anything, didn't make me think about stuff. I think a poem should do that. It should bring up some feelings inside you; get you to think about something.
Might sound harsh and it's not like I could do any better, all I can do is make up random stories; I'm not as well with poetry. But you are asking for comments, so.. yeah.

My advice'd be to try to make it so that it makes people want to continue reading, make them want to figure out how it's going to turn out.
They both seem rather similar, it's just about two cats strolling. Also, both have snowflakes dropping on one of them, you seem to like that in particular.
Maybe you could add some event that kind of worries you, something unexpected and then find a way to turn it around and give the reader a warm feeling of happiness; make the reader be glad that it turned out that way.

Anyway, please don't take this the wrong way, I'm not trying to insult you or anything. Just trying to give you some advice, maybe someone else'd be moved by this (though I personally can't see how).

By the way, I've also noticed that sometimes you added some rhymes. But they seem totally random, I'm not sure whether it's intentional or not. If it is, there are certain rhyme forms you should consider if you intend on using them. (Not saying that a poem needs rhymes, I prefer them without..) You were using different forms, for example

We were nearly to the lake;
the air smelled sweet as cake.
A snowflake fell on my nose,
and I jumped up in surprise.
We ran around; feet soon froze.



Now the first two lines ended with a rhyme, after that, you changed it to the 3rd and 5th line ending in a rhyme.

After that, you wrote

Soon, we had to say our good-byes
and started to scamper away.
I truly enjoyed this winter's day.


and went back to line 7 and 8 ending in a rhyme. It seems inconsistent to the reader - at least to me.
I'm just saying this in case it was intentional. Whether or not, it gives me an odd feeling about it. Might consider that next time.



Again, not trying to be mean or make your stuff look bad, I'm just stating my opinion here - if you've got more and want to show, feel free to do so. If you'd rather do it in private, you may PM me or ask for my instant messenger info.


That's it; nothing more that I want to say as of now.

Edited by Aergia, 05 November 2012 - 03:43 PM.


#4
Innocentio

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Guess not.
Honestly, you are just asking for attention with that second post. :P


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#5
ultisage3

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Yeah, the second post was exactly to gain attention. You guessed right? I thought I made it obvious...

Anyway, thanks for your opinion. :D
I enjoy constructive criticism. I'll try to incorporate your opinion into my poem next time.~

The thing is, the two cats were representations of my ex and I. They're still good poems, even if they don't have much meaning to me anymore.
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